15 minute movie review: Eclipse

As any of you who know me realize, my body is a finely tuned machine.  A svelt 256 (so long 260!), I now spend about 4 hours a week at the gym.  Truth be told, I’m pretty proud of the progress that I’ve made in both discipline and flab reduction, but one of the unique experiences that going to the gym provides me is watching between 15-30 minutes of a movie in their cardio theater.

Watching movies, of course, is nothing new.  I like movies.  Movies on the treadmill keep my mind off the fact that my heart is about to explode.  What’s been interesting is seeing only 15 minutes smack in the middle of a movie that I’ve never seen and judging whether the rest of the movie merits a looky lou.  In the case of Eclipse; it doesn’t.

So, being as superficially judgmental as I can be, there are a few key points, as outlined below, for why this movie was deemed unwatchable after viewing a random 15 minute segment.

1. Kristen Stewart: 

How in the world is this girl a star?  Her facial expressions were a constant mix of confused constipation and concerned constipation.  She had the versatility of a mannequin.  I can’t be only person that thinks this, can I?  Perhaps I’m the only sane person that has been exposed to more than 5 minutes of one of these movies.  I don’t know.  I just can’t understand why they would pay Kristen Stewart all of that money, to basically be a still frame of herself through the entire film (15 minutes, at least).

2. Werewolves and Vampires: 

I don’t have anything against these two (as many claim, mythological) creatures.  I watched True Blood and I can sort of understand the popularity of such things.  But why did they make every vampire look like a heroin addict?  This main character vampire guy…what’s with the hair and lipstick?  He’s supposed to be this dude girls swoon over?  Maybe that’s what’s wrong with America.  Girls think this guy is that balls and guys like Macho Man Randy Savage (RIP) get nada?  Not in my America.

And come on, werewolf guy…no shirt?  How is it necessary to the storyline to be shirtless in every single scene?  The last thing I saw was you carry a mannequin (oops, Kristen Stewart) into the woods to protect her, without a shirt.  I’m sure the other werewolves will be frightened by your sculpted, Josh Francis-like, physique.  And another thing; why are the werewolves the size of horses?  This wolf is giving the chick what I think equates to a hug in the wolf world, and she’s shorter than the wolf.  How do these “super-wolves” hide being as ginormous as they supposedly are.

3.  Fight scene:

I saw a scene where I assume the fangers are training to fight, but I couldn’t quite make out from the engrossing dialogue what exactly they were doing.  There was some back story about how one of the guys became a vampire and some other cliched repartee that was just brutal to experience.  Back to the fighting, it looked it was modeled after Street Fighter.  I was concerned that Baraka was going to come out of the forest and zap everyone.  (First I thought it was going to be E. Honda, but the Brazilian Beast just seems more likely in a movie about werewolves and vampires.)

This covers my experience.  I don’t think I’m exaggerating when I say this is the worst movie ever made ever.  I challenge you to prove me wrong.

As a side note, I’m going to try to do a movie review of some kind on here semi-regularly (which is almost as much as I write, but we’ll see).

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